Flashback Weekend

New York, that is the very, very strange (in a good and bad way) place that I live in now. During the last couple of weeks, I've had a couple of friends visit me during a blizzard, and followed up with my department's recruitment weekend. Recruitment is when candidates for the post-doc and PhD tracks are invited to come into town for interviews with the faculty and a tour of New York with the graduate students. Comparing this year and last year, I feel like there's a pretty common trend in the candidate's behavior. Something that made me really happy was that the department chose to interview a candidate who was in very much the same position as I was last year (still finishing a BS). Comparing myself to her made me instantly think of my time last year. The whole interview process was just so surreal, and I hope that she gets the same feeling that I got.

When I came in on Thursday night, I was in total shock. I was in New York, by myself! I had a whole world in front of me, but also no one to hold my back. On Friday, I met lots of people, too many to remember. I was finally meeting the professors that made the professors that I had been working with legendary. Talking to the other students, I often felt that I was out of my league; they had so much life experience, and a streak of determination. Extremely tired, I went to bed quite early that night after meeting some of the other graduate students after dinner. I think I reached my defining moment during Saturday Brunch. Even though my potential cohort was so smart and passionate about the work, they wouldn't hesitate for a second to help me. They showed me that an Ivy was not an automatic declaration of arrogance, and false self-efficacy. Now people of the latter type do exist in the Ivies; I have met plenty in my time here, but I wouldn't give up my department for the world. Not to mention, that I had my own contributions to make.

For now, I hope that the candidates that I met find what they're looking for. Whether it be Columbia (I hope so), or not, I wish them the best of luck.

Time and Relativity

I lied. This post has nothing to do with physics. The last few weeks have seem to flown by. Even the weekends, when I mostly just sit around doing nothing (I really do need this just quite mental break), seem to go by so quickly. I can't believe that it's been a month since I've last written something, and we're almost at the end of October.

In the past month, time has been such a relative concept. It seems like I never have enough time to do anything. I find myself spending so much time trying to finish homework; I seem to barely parcel out enough time for research and running/myself. I have become increasingly caffeine driven (the ubiquity of Starbucks and other coffee brands being right around the corner, literally, is not helping at all). At the same time, I have impressed myself by how much I can accomplish and how much I have learned from my classes, classmates, and friends. I have learned so much from my classes; things that I thought were reserved for the specialists who considered those skills trade secrets. From my classmates, I have learned so much about balance in life, and from my friends, I have I still have left to learn.

I have been able to maintain a very strong friendship with my friends back in Ohio. Thank you technology! Between Google Hangouts with my old club, IMing friends, text messaging, fitness trackers, I fee like I'm still with them but just delayed on getting all the inside jokes.

Overall, I'm pretty happy, except when I feel like I have to grind out homework so I can finally do other things.

--Edit:

That was a very scatterbrained and vague post.

I'm so happy for two of my bests who got engaged (to each other)! I wish many, many happy years to you guys.

Grad school is going well. I had a really rough and draining week, a couple of weeks ago, but luckily my classmates and closest friends in NY talked me through it. Sometimes, I'm really happy that I'm the youngest of the group.

Three Weeks

According to Blogger, it has been 3 weeks since I've posted here. While reading the blog post, there are parts that I find familiar, and parts that I can't be sure that I wrote. However, there is one part that I don't even have to read to know. I still get that same high when I go to the office on most days of the week, but that is of little long-term consequence.

I've been wondering how I've changed over the last three weeks. One of the things that had really worried me towards the end of high school (probably more due to senioritis) and part of college, was this feeling that I wasn't trying hard enough. During that time, when looking back after a bad grade or a stressful week, I often felt like I had ended up not getting enough done, not having enough internal motivation, or working hard enough. While I still feel this way sometimes (especially Thursday afternoons after a long Wednesday and knowing that I have class from 4 to 9 (2 hour break in between)), lately, I've definitely felt more satisfied with my effort. I find myself being more internally motivated to work and more willing to work. Perhaps it's partially due to my better to-do list apps (thanks Astrid), or the change in environment. At least for now, I am very satisfied with myself.

I think the one area that I am not extremely happy with is running. While I've continually tried to put my best foot down on this area, alas, I have not formed a consistent routine yet. I think that it hurts to have class until 8 or 9 three times a week. Previously, I was not a morning person, and that is something that still for the most part has not changed yet. Hopefully, by my next entry, I will have done better. There's always hopeful wishing right?

We're not in Ohio anymore are we?

Without a doubt, the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind experience. There is no real way to summarize the experience (thank you Methods I course). Everyone and thing are so different.

I think that New York is proving one time-old college axiom very true. Here, you can have only 2 out of the following 3 things successfully: sleep, a social life, good grades/research. With late night craziness/fun starting at midnight, I find myself stretching the work hard, play hard mentality to the maximum.

I used to be a pretty calm and withdrawn person, and I'd say that relative to my friends, I'm probably still that way. I am mostly definitely getting a huge thrill out of pushing myself past my normal comfort zone though. Whether it's pushing myself to cram weeks of undergraduate programming classes into my head in a matter of hours or rushing to the Meat Packing district to join my friends for a late night drink, I can say that New York has pushed me to recognize my former limits and accelerate past them. I can only hope that I hang on as long as possible.

Compound Emotions

As with everyone who moves, I find myself in a mixture of bittersweet emotions. I am one part bursting with joy, one part filled with nervousness, one part consumed by sadness, and one part losing to numbness.

I am filled with joy as I am making a dream come true. I am learning what I love at a school that couldn't be better. My parents and friends are all supporting me. Also, now I am truly on my own. As in this is about as close as it gets to a trial run at life. My parents are now no longer just a two hour drive on the weekend. While I am living on campus, it is in every way an apartment. I signed a real lease today with the school; I have my own (rather spacious) room with a great view (and therefore windows). In other words, I am living the perfect opportunity right now, not just academically/professionally, but also in terms of coming of age.

At the same time, the same reasons that I'm so happy are the same reasons I am so nervous. While this is an amazing opportunity, there is also incredible risk. I am testing out the waters at such a high level. Academically, there is no other place to be. However, the flip side of going to a school this great is that the expectation of what will come out of me is also equally high. I can only hope that I can stay on for the ride. While Columbus was living on my own, moving here takes it to a whole new level. I no longer have my parents to help me out physically or financially. I'm sure that if I have a problem, I can turn to them for advice, but ultimately, everything falls on me. If I forgot something at home (currently 7-ish things), my parents cannot make the drive to bring it to campus for me.

Perhaps the side of moving that people think the least about until it actually happens is the people, things, and places that you leave behind. I know I'm leaving a lot of family, friends, and familiar places behind for the new. Oddly, in a time when most the friends that I graduated high school with are now back in Ohio somewhere, I find myself leaving. The friends that I have made at Ohio State over the last four years are sadly, also, no longer part of my life. While some have left like me, many are still there. Only time can bring a new set of friends.

With all this newness and lack of oldness grows this "numbingness". Today as I brought all of the boxes into my room, my dad asked me what we should do. I just stared right back at him. Partially inexperienced, partially unable to comprehend the situation, I had no idea what to tell him. In a way, in this sea of emotion, I am just emotionless. I have no idea, what or how I should be thinking or feeling right now. Perhaps, that's not such a bad response. There is no overriding emotion, just semi-planning and execution.

Pre-requisites

As my departure from Ohio reaches the T-12ish house mark, I have tried spending more and more time with my friends. As I've grown up, my definition of friends has quite changed. I remember when my grandparents use to laugh at my loose definition of what a friend was during junior high. Since I've always been a believer in quality over quantity, I have usually kept my groups small. During the last few days, I have spent so much time reminiscing with friends. It's led me to wonder how I've been making friends over the last few years, since I'll have to start all over again.

In high school, I had move right before freshman year, so I pretty much had a restart. My few friends were based on the people I had classes with. Luckily, with loads of honors and AP classes, I was able to develop my small group of invaluable friends. My criteria then changed from playing tag to being able to challenge and support me. If I found out that you have not voted for me for student government... I kid. My friends were well chosen, and I couldn't have asked for a better group. While high school drama was still present among my friends, I was able to mostly navigate my way through.

During college, most of my friends could be categorized into three-ish groups. I was super fortunate to find Running Club. The thing about running is that for some reason, it also makes people have this crazy passion for whatever they're doing. It's amazing the kind of conversations you can have with your running partner. I have had some of the funniest, most fun, and deepest conversations on those runs. The other major group of friends came from those in my dorm freshmen and sophomore year. Especially during freshman year, I found a couple of friends during my spring quarter that I will surely have for the rest of the year. The kind of friends who grow with you. We went from staying up until 4am and watching The Office to happy hours after work and deep discussions about life. I can't wait for our Google Hangout on Friday! The last group of friends are my friends from work. They make waking up and going to the office every day lots of fun (work is very interesting of course!).

Now, I'll be leaving Ohio, starting a new life with new friends.

The New Super Highway

Since it's been a while since I've written in this, I guess, it might be most appropriate to start with an update.

Today marks the middle of August. Normally, this would have little bearing on my life; Ohio State used to start in late September. However, since graduating my life has taken a slight turn in life. I traveled around "extensively". Since returning to the States again (/since the last post), I have noticed that I have become a workaholic, almost. Not to say that I didn't enjoy my free time, but lately, I had been finding myself staying at the office until 6 or 7. Sadly, this also means that I have had to make other adjustments, namely, run on my own more frequently, which turns out to not be nearly as painful as I had been worrying about.

For the first time, I find myself packing up for school in mid-August. Next week, I'll be moving to the city that never sleeps to seek the knowledge of the greats ("avoid getting a job"). This upcoming commitment has been a double edge sword, filling me with confidence (I got chosen for a very exclusive graduate program!) and casting doubt in myself (How did I get here? Am I ready?). More and more so, I have been looking at my new life (graduate student) as a rare opportunity. It's funny how things work out. A year ago at this time, I was freaking out about the future. My plan for medical school was falling apart, while my path to graduate school was all but certain. Now, with the help of my research advisors, lots of practice, and (probably) a whole lot of luck, my rare opportunity has turned into a new life path.

So here's to a new fork in the road that went from being hidden in the dark and forbidden forest to the new super highway. If you wanted a preview of my very immediately upcoming life: PhD Comics.