Compound Emotions

As with everyone who moves, I find myself in a mixture of bittersweet emotions. I am one part bursting with joy, one part filled with nervousness, one part consumed by sadness, and one part losing to numbness.

I am filled with joy as I am making a dream come true. I am learning what I love at a school that couldn't be better. My parents and friends are all supporting me. Also, now I am truly on my own. As in this is about as close as it gets to a trial run at life. My parents are now no longer just a two hour drive on the weekend. While I am living on campus, it is in every way an apartment. I signed a real lease today with the school; I have my own (rather spacious) room with a great view (and therefore windows). In other words, I am living the perfect opportunity right now, not just academically/professionally, but also in terms of coming of age.

At the same time, the same reasons that I'm so happy are the same reasons I am so nervous. While this is an amazing opportunity, there is also incredible risk. I am testing out the waters at such a high level. Academically, there is no other place to be. However, the flip side of going to a school this great is that the expectation of what will come out of me is also equally high. I can only hope that I can stay on for the ride. While Columbus was living on my own, moving here takes it to a whole new level. I no longer have my parents to help me out physically or financially. I'm sure that if I have a problem, I can turn to them for advice, but ultimately, everything falls on me. If I forgot something at home (currently 7-ish things), my parents cannot make the drive to bring it to campus for me.

Perhaps the side of moving that people think the least about until it actually happens is the people, things, and places that you leave behind. I know I'm leaving a lot of family, friends, and familiar places behind for the new. Oddly, in a time when most the friends that I graduated high school with are now back in Ohio somewhere, I find myself leaving. The friends that I have made at Ohio State over the last four years are sadly, also, no longer part of my life. While some have left like me, many are still there. Only time can bring a new set of friends.

With all this newness and lack of oldness grows this "numbingness". Today as I brought all of the boxes into my room, my dad asked me what we should do. I just stared right back at him. Partially inexperienced, partially unable to comprehend the situation, I had no idea what to tell him. In a way, in this sea of emotion, I am just emotionless. I have no idea, what or how I should be thinking or feeling right now. Perhaps, that's not such a bad response. There is no overriding emotion, just semi-planning and execution.